Cheating friends
?Good ideas for dealing with cheating in one?s social circle. ?My husband and I (extremely happily married) are friends with a group of people from his university. The friendship consists of dinner parties, camping trips, movie nights, and nights drinking. We love these friends dearly. However, we just found out about a situation that is going on and we are at a bit of a loss on how to handle it. Here?s the story (names changed of course): Recently, my best friend Lola came to me and told me what is happening with two married couples at the center of our circle of friends: John & Yoko and Samson & Delilah. At a recent get together, John drunkenly confessed to Lola that he is cheating on Yoko by sleeping with Delilah. Delilah and Samson are in an open relationship supposedly, so Samson knows about this. Yoko is vaguely aware that something is wrong with her marriage, and has an idea that John may be cheating on her. Yoko and Delilah used to be very good friends. Yoko would be utterly destroyed and devastated by the truth. Lola wants Yoko to know, however she senses that Yoko may not want to face the truth. Yoko may be dealing with some serious self-esteem issues, she is overweight may think she can do no better (although the truth is Yoko is much more beloved than John, and John would not be welcome in the social circle if he wasn?t married to Yoko). My husband and I are disgusted by Delilah and John, and if they were to run off together and leave Yoko and Samson behind, we wouldn?t have any problem knowing what to do. However, it appears for the time being that the situation will remain as it is. If we weren?t so attached to Yoko and Samson, we would probably just leave the social circle behind, however, for the time being there is no way to avoid John and Delilah without also avoiding Yoko and Samson. How do we mitigate the awkwardness this causes at group functions (where seemingly now everyone is in the know except Yoko)? What do we say if Yoko approaches one of us and asks us if John is cheating? Will Yoko be angry with us if she finds out we knew? To make matters worse, I had planned to do an activity with John which would require a lot of one on one time with him next month, now the thought makes me ill. Considering we only have secondhand knowledge of this, we have no place to broach the subject directly with anyone involved.
Found undies that aren't mine. Now what?
Found underwear in the laundry that wasn't mine. Now what? My husband and I have had a lot of problems since the birth of our child. He insisted on marriage therapy since I wanted a divorce. Things are in a tolerable lull and he's trying harder than I am. We are seeing a marrige therapist in 2 weeks (divorce/post divorce is her subspecialty). I was doing laundry yesterday and I found a pair of panties that weren't mine. I thought and thought about it to 100% make sure they were no way mine and seeing that I don't cut the tags off of mine and they just weren't mine, the doubt on that end has stopped. But now what? I don't know how to approach it. I work a full time job at a office. He works but makes his own hours and is all over the place on the road w/ clients (local). Otherwise he stays home to work to watch our son 2 day a week. I'm trying to think of the timing with the laundry to see if we had his friend house/dog sit and maybe his "girlfriend" lost them. But I did a full basket of laundry meaning that isn't possible. My husband used to go to the gym a lot but hasn't in a long time so that's out too. He does go out occassionally at night without me but is home by say midnight. I know there is a lot of doubt but accusing someone of cheating is harsh. But on the flip side, where did these come from? I don't know how to approach it. Should I wait until the 13th with the therapist and ask him in front of her? Should I do it sooner? He will obviously deny it and that's just it. If he did, he did and it's just one more reason to push for a divorce. I just don't want to be played a fool. But if it is some weird incident where somehow it's his friend's girlfriend (although again, when would this have happened) and his friend, then you get into that whole "I can't believe you accused me". I was accused of cheating many moons ago. I never, ever did. Someone lied, he believed them, and it was 3 days of him throwing a fit/giving hell. I don't operate that way. I'm just sad, tired, emotionally spent because of this relationship as it is. I would love for it to get fixed and turned around but at the same time, if it's not meant to be, we need to separate because I'm not getting any younger. We have a nanny come on 2 days but she hasn't been around in 2 weeks and I know I did laundry then where the timing doesn't match. So how do I approach this one?
Help me figure out if I cheated on an exam last night
Something strange happened during an exam last night when the teaching assistant/proctor and I were alone that has left me feeling weirdly guilty. So last night I had a science exam. The exam contained five questions, four of which I completed quickly. I could not solve the fifth question (which was unfortunately worth the most points) and tried in vain to figure it out for about an hour. During this time, everyone else finished their exams and left, leaving me alone in the room with the TA. Shortly after, the TA asked me if I had any questions. I replied that I was stuck on one of the problems. He then proceeded to come over to my desk, showed me the equation to use for the problem and then told me the numerical answer that I would get if I solved the problem correctly. He also then looked at my answer after I completed it (standing over me while I worked) and verified that it was correct. He also verified that another one of my answers was correct before I turned in the exam (but did not provide any formulas). I also noticed that many of my classmates were asking the TA detailed questions during the exam period and I saw him do what appeared to glance-through of two other individuals' exams before they turned them in. I also heard him tell one girl that several items on her exam were incorrect so that she could fix them. I was pretty gobsmacked by this turn of events, and after talking it over with various friends (reactions have ranged from shock to congratulation) I'm feeling a little bit guilty. Does this constitute cheating? Was the assistance okay since it came from the TA, who is in charge of the class during exams? What, if anything, should I have done at the time in response to his help?
All the umbrellas in London couldn't stop this rain, and all the dope in New York couldn't kill this pain
Every breakup is its own special snowflake. Should I try to put the pieces back together or is it time to cut losses and go our seperate ways? (Sorry, this is going to get long) Gay relationship, met at university in our early 20s away from both our homes. He moved halfway across the country to be with me in my city after graduation. 5 and a half years together, unofficially engaged for the last year and a half, officially engaged for the past six months. Plan was to get married in the spring. This is the first relationship for both of us, for me he's the only person I've been with period. Everything was just easy for almost the entirety of our relationship, we've had our own personal issues that we've seen each other through, but we've never fought or really questioned our future together, until now. For the last few years, we've been living together but working opposite schedules, me days him nights, so we only really had much time together on the weekends. That changed a few months ago, when I took a job that has me working nights as well. Having a bit more time together has sort of revealed some cracks in our relationship. We don't really know what to do when we're alone together. We still get along, but our time together can be a bit awkward and dull. Our sex life has dropped significantly in the past year or two, we're down to once a week, if we're lucky. If that was all, I'd chalk it up to a normal low period in a relationship, try to improve it, and see how things went after a few months. But there's someone else involved... Enter R, my boyfriend's former boss, who has always had a bit of a crush on him. A year or two ago, R found out my pet name for my man, and started calling him it at the office. A little icky, right? My boyfriend thought so too and put a stop to it. Time goes by, they both get promoted so they're not working so closely together, and my man's not reporting to R anymore. They start to develop a friendship outside of work. I'm a little uneasy about it knowing about R's crush, but my boyfriend assures me he's over it, and that I should be happy that he's developing one of the first really close friendships in a new city. As their relationship grows stronger and stronger, and the three of us start hanging out any more, I let my boyfriend know I'm uncomfortable with the situation, and he's very quick to shut me down, kind of harshly. I let it go, as I'm happy he has a friend and I trust him completely. R's about 12 years older than us, and a bit of a sad sack. My man is really bringing him out of his shell. We introduce him to all the wonderful things we love, and my boyfriend starts going out dancing with him, a lot. This is I guess one of the few recurring issues in our relationship, that he likes to drink and dance and party every weekend, and I don't. I'll do it every once and a while, and have fun, but it's not something I really enjoy. So often when he goes out (previously with different groups of friends, now almost exclusively with R) I'll either do something with my own friends, or spend the night at home alone with video games or something. Then my boyfriend starts spending the night at R's place after many of these nights of partying. He doesn't let me know, he just doesn't come home until around 4 the next day. BZZZZZZZZT! Big red flag, right? I know, 100% know, that he's not cheating on me, because if he was he wouldn't be able to hide it for a moment. Trust me, on that score anyway. The first few times this happens, I'm weirded out, and mention this to him, and he assures me it's no big deal, they just didn't want to get seperate cabs at the end of the night. When it happens 3 Friday nights in a row, I ask him to at least cut back on it, I can understand every once and a while but every week is unacceptable. Also to at least call me or text me to let me know, so I'm not waiting up wondering if he's going to come home. He agrees, and maybe lets me know once or twice, and then it continues as before, but a bit less often, until recently at least. R is now firmly entrenched in our relationship. We hang out all together all the time, usually at least twice in a weekend. He's a good guy and I like him a lot, but it's getting to be a bit much. Not only that, but I feel like I'm losing parts of my relationship to R. Not just going out dancing, but playing tennis, shopping, going out to eat, all sorts of things that I would do with my man are now being done without me. I feel like I'm losing my boyfriend by degrees. A few weeks ago, we went to Montreal. I was excited for a weekend alone with my man, spending some time alone together on an adventure, reconnecting personally as well as sexually. Yeah, not so much. A little while after we decide to go, my man mentions how excited R is for the trip, as he's never been to Montreal. Wait, what? Oh, didn't I mention it? Argh. So we all go, and have a nice time, but it's not really the romantic weekend I was hoping for. We have sex once, quickly, late at night. Yay. So, here we are a few weeks later (Sorry for the length, I promise I'm winding down). Stuck alone together on Sunday, bored and not sure what to do, we suddenly start hashing it out. Boyfriend admits he's torn between us, to the point where hanging out on the couch between the two of us is immeasurably awkward for him. He's blown away by how he's brought R back to life. Says R feels terrible about all of this because "he really likes you." Thanks. It's like R has filled a void in my man's life, the exciting, partying, sexy void that all for all my love and support, and all the other wonderful things he tells me about, couldn't fill. I know, and everyone assures me, including my boyfriend, that I haven't done anything wrong, that I've been the best that I can be, and that's amazing. Just not enough it seems. And maybe that's just the way it is. Since we've been working the same schedule, it's become clear that something isn't working, but I'd hoped it was just a normal ebb and flow, and we had to figure out how to be around each other more often again. But maybe not, maybe we just got together too young, and maybe the fact that we never had a reason to split up just hid the fact that we didn't really have a reason to stay together forever. He says he feels stuck between two boyfriends. He says maybe moving here in the first place was a mistake (I know that's not true, it's a coping method he seems to use a lot, if something doesn't work out perfectly, it was a colossal waste of time). He says I'm like his family, and that's not enough. He says he loves our life together and hopes it can continue, but maybe in a different form. He says I'll never lose him. He says he hasn't cheated on me, "although I could have." (Here's your medal). So now it really is like he has two boyfriends, we can't all be together, so we have to schedule time. I get my boyfriend Friday and Saturday, R can have him Thursday and Sunday. I don't know what he wants. I don't know if he wants to try to make it work with me, run off to R, or take some time alone. Really we need to talk about it more, but we've agreed to take at least the week to think and table the discussion for a little while. Which has made for a bit of an awkward week at home. I'm alone in my city now family wise too. I've talked to my parents, and they're very supportive. Talked to friends a bit, but haven't been able to have time with them in person yet. Really I just need a real hug. I don't know what to do. Deep down I feel like it's over. If it was just the R thing, or just the distance between us, I think we could work it out. But it's such a twisted mess now that I don't think we can untangle it. I hate the idea of giving up, especially on someone I planned to be married to next year, but honestly I can't even begin to see a way out of this. Sorry for the length, I just needed to get it all out. What do I do? Please no DTMFA. Although you're free to express the sentiment (and some have), there's really no motherfuckers here.
Should I give him another chance?
Just found out my boyfriend has been cheating on me, multiple times. I decided to give him another chance. What is wrong with me??? My boyfriend and I been together for almost 2.5 yrs. He has been the most loving and caring person, with a big heart, who truly loves me. I have never been so in love before. We've already been talking about moving in together, marriage, and children. All of which he has brought up, and initiated. He's been a huge part of my heart over these past yrs. And then my world exploded one day, when for some reason my gut feeling was telling me something isn't right, and looking in his text messages and emails, I found out he cheated on me with a girl once when we were already a year together, AND he has been having sex with a married girl, who has an open relationship with her husband (who actually supports this). This been happening occasionally, about twice over the past year, and last time the same day I found out about all this! No need to mention and heart ache and depression I was going through. But after two weeks I agreed for him to come over and talk about things. Life without him seemed impossible. I was hurting so much, but at the same time missed him like crazy. An emotional disaster, mixed of love and anger. He apologized a million times and said he is going to change cause he can't live without me, and that none of his actions ever meant anything to him. Feeling so weak and alone, I decided to give "us" another chance. I love him so much, still. And he truly loves me and would do anything for me. But can he really change? should I just let this relationship go? is trying to forgive him the biggest mistake of my life? I really need help with this. Feeling so lost.
Fantasizing about other men - help!
How can I stop being hypersexual, get my therapist to see that it's threatening my marriage, and start focusing on my husband again? I've been married for seven years to the best guy in the world. I love him like crazy and I know I could live a thousand years and never find another man like him. I really really really don't want to mess up my marriage, and the thought of doing anything that would hurt my hubby makes me feel sick. But I've already done it. I had a make-out session with a guy about eight months ago, and simply can't forget it. Worse -- if it could be any worse -- he's married. We met at a summer camp decades ago when we were both teens. He treated me coldly then and we never got together. Apparently he's been searching for me ever since (so he says)! I had no idea about any of this until he started emailing me. He lives in another country. He emailed me flirtatiously for months, and when we got together it was VERY emotional. We hugged and kissed -- a bit too much. He gave me the impression that he wants to get together with me physically whenever he can (he travels here but only infrequently, on business). I've been feeling like complete drek about this ever since it happened. And what's worse -- the experience has unleashed just a torrent of sexual desire in me. I fantasize sexually about almost every man I meet -- mostly sexually, but I sometimes realize I'm veering into emotional territory on occasion. It's like a light's been turned on. I'm aware of sex. I care about it. I want it with different men. I can't stop thinking about it. I'm surfing for porn online, I'm pleasuring myself like crazy (doesn't really do anything other than provide some tension relief), and I occasionally even fantasize about domestic bliss with a new man of my choice. Meantime I'm still crazy about my husband and feel sick at the thought that I could act on my nutty new desires and totally torpedo everything I've tried to build with him. Another thing -- I seem to be giving off new vibes that attract inappropriate guys. I'm suddenly in a very dangerous place. I've always had low self-esteem around men, so this new flirtatious attention I'm getting from them has REALLY turned my head. I suddenly feel hot. I've never felt hot before. I feel like I have to DO SOMETHING about all of these feelings. I'm wondering if it's partly hormonal? Can you get a sudden surge of intense physical desire later in life? (I'm in my forties) I'm worried because these feelings won't go away. I have a therapist. He's nice and a great listener. His style is a bit passive because he's all about not judging me, but I'm in a pickle and could really use some moral guidance right now. That's the ironic thing about therapy. I go to my therapist for help -- should I do this? -- and I just get: "Watch your feelings like they're floating above you. It's okay to fantasize. It's normal." And I'm all, WTF? This zen cant isn't EVEN addressing the seriousness of what's happening to me. I'm feeling like I'm THIS close to shutting down my marriage and ruining the only thing I'm living for. I could get very despondent over this (I have suicidal tendencies that have been dormant for some time, but I'm always afraid they could return with especial force at a time when I'm feeling very weak). My sex life with hubby has always been affectionate, but never explosive or fireworksy. I never cared about sex before. I'd been hurt by sexy guys in the past, and I think with my husband I was attracted to him precisely because he felt safe -- not super sexual but very solid. And he's my best friend. And that's what I wanted at the time! And I still love him! But I CAN'T STOP THINKING about what it would be like to have sex with other men. I make myself sick and feel like a slut. I really need to start to have some hope or something. I'm so depressed, I've lost interest in absolutely everything. I don't know what to do. We don't have kids. I love his mother like she's my own mother. I can't tell my husband this. I can't stand the thought of what his eyes would look like. I can't hurt him. I would appreciate any input! Thanks.
How do I get over past wrongs?
How do I get over past wrongs? Between 8 months and 1 year ago, my long-term boyfriend a) kissed someone else, and b) conducted what amounted to an emotional affair with another person. We had extensive and painful discussion about this and the reasons why it happened. He has expressed considerable regret and changed multiple aspects of his lifestyle/belief system to ensure this kind of thing would not happen again. I believe him - I know we are in a really good place and that we have left a lot of this baggage behind. EXCEPT. I still get angry about it. Sometimes a memory will float through my mind and I will get immediately furious and frustrated at some past incident or some deceit on his part. I know it's irrational to some degree (because I really feel like this is not in danger of happening again-- he's changed so many things and has demonstrated that I can trust him time and time again), but I somehow feel as if I have this "right" to get really mad at him again. It's because I feel like a fool for having trusted him for some time, and also for "taking him back." And also because I can't hurt him to the same degree or same way that he hurt me. And every time I get mad, even when I get mad at him for unrelated or far pettier things, I feel almost justified in my behavior because some part of my brain says that "what he did to me was far worse." That's true, but that's not a good reason to justify my behavior. I'm not sure what I'm looking for from him: more reassurance? some acknowledgment of the pain he's felt in this process too? I don't know if it makes a difference because no matter what, our situation will still be the same in terms of "wrongs committed" - unequal. Now now, I know it's not like we're married and it's not like my husband slept with some other woman. But we are pretty serious (if young) and I don't want this to keep dragging my emotional state or this relationship down. I am committed to staying with him - I am happy in so many other ways and overall, our relationship is stronger for having gone through this, and we are excellent at communication - but I am frustrated that I still get irrationally angry about something that should be firmly in the past. So... how do I get over it?
It's another cheating question!
Some friends found my husband's active profile on a swinging website. I did not know he was doing this. Needless to say, I'm angry. Got married in April of this year. I've been away at conferences for the last 2 weeks; going home Wednesday. This morning I had an email link from friends (a couple) who are active in the local swinging scene, saying they'd seen my husband advertising solo on a swinging website. I phoned him, and thank goodness he had the good sense not to deny the obvious. We talked for a while, but I had some meetings to get to and decided to leave it at that for now. He expressed remorse in the usual ways. He said he hadn't met anyone from the ad in person but there is simply no way for me to know if that's true. He certainly was exchanging contact details with people from what my friends said. We've talked about polyamory as a possibility for us sometime in the future (I've been in poly relationships before, and generally operate in a poly-friendly world; he hasn't and doesn't). However I have made it clear, repeatedly, that I consider any play without informing the other person and agreeing where we were as a couple on limits and feelings to be inappropriate and cheating. I haven't been with anyone else since we moved in together last year, I thought that was the case for him too. Sex-wise, it's been a busy year for both of us so while it's been okay with frequency about 2-3 times a week, I definitely feel I've been getting less than I want and the quality isn't great... can't even think of the last time he initiated. I like to hope I'm GGG, but guess maybe not, if this happened. His last relationship ended four years ago because of cheating. I chose to regard his significant regrets and remorse about that as a Good Thing, since surely someone who lost love because of such a decision before wouldn't a) be so honest with me about what went wrong and why unless they learned from that and b) ever want to go through that again. Also, it may not be relevant, but both of his parents have been married 4 times each. This is not someone who has seen a lot of relationships working out. He is in a military service and will be stationed somewhere away from our city for a year, starting in November. Unfortunately I have experience with a previous partner (not poly) who was military, and lived on base, and cheated while I lived in another city. I could move too, but I don't want to, because I think if someone's going to cheat, my breathing down his neck won't improve that. Also I love where I live now, love my job and friends. Commuting isn't an option for me, I don't have a car, and there's no direct train between the two. The plan had been for him to drive back on the weekends because it would be less than an hour drive for him. He's offered to leave the service if it comes down to choosing between that or the marriage, but I don't think that would be a good idea, and also was said in the heat of the moment, perhaps to appease me. I live in another country to the US. This is important because right after we married, I changed my visa to a marriage-related one (was on a long term work visa before, but wanted the freedom to change jobs). For me to stay permanently, I would have to stick it out until May 2011. I am also the higher earner, with significant net worth and property from cashing out of a previous business. We didn't sign a prenup, and I regret the hell out of that now. On Saturday we're having the official wedding party, and I don't know what to do. I would hate to cancel with people coming from all over, but on the other hand I couldn't be fake happy in front of his family and friends. And we have vacation plans together for all of August, but right now, even the thought of going home disgusts me. So, my questions: 1. Everything's pretty raw right now, and I don't know what I want yet - staying has problems, so does going. Some strategies for how to deal with the short term would be appreciated, though. When I do make a decision I want to do it from a place of dealing with this issue, not dumping all my insecurity and anger from a previous relationship gone wrong onto him. I want to set myself up well to make the right choices. Yes, I have a lawyer and he is apprised of the potential situation (and remarkably good at not saying 'I told you so' re: prenup). 2. What to do about the party? Many of my friends are coming from far away and it's very late to make changes. His are local. Am tempted to disinvite all his people and have the party just for me.
Is he my boyfriend or a creepy sex addict?
Should I trust him? Can people really change? Boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 6 months. He is a loving, sweet, happy person, and we seem to be a perfect fit for each other. We have a lot of fun. I have fallen in love with him. Our relationship has moved quickly, and we are now living together and talking a lot about the future. He says I am the one, the girl he has been looking for his whole life, and he wants us to have a family and be together forever. He said he doesnt want to be with anyone else for the rest of his life, that he has "sewed his wild oats" and is ready to settle down. Problem is, I dont know if I fully believe him. And it is my own fault. About two months ago, I noticed that he was either telling white lies, or stretching the truth, about relatively minor things. He seemed secretive at times. And I just got that "feeling." I tried to fight it, but one day it got the best of me and I looked in his email. Yup. I found out he had at least tried (he says nothing ever came from his attempts) to cheat on his last girlfriend of 3 years; he had, just before meeting me, been involved with at least 3 different girls, one of whom was an underage virgin, a fact he happily bragged to his friends about. He was all the fuck over craigslist and dating sites looking for girls. He was having a weird email thing with a russian girl, where he told her to come here and they would be together (he claims he was just playing along with a scam, but i think a part of him was hoping she was real, due to the long emails he sent, including his address and phone number. One of the messages said "thank you for the phone call yesterday...") what the fuck. He also sent facebook messages to all kinds of girls, saying "youre pretty" or "you are so beautiful" etc etc... This one hurts, because that is partly how he picked me up. He has about a thousand facebook friends and at the time I looked at his email, he was still requesting friendship with random girls, 4 months into our relationship. He has no excuse for it. It has since stopped. He claims to be a Buddhist, has been for six years. He doesnt drink or kill flies, but he sure as hell DOES engage in sexual misconduct and telling lies. Again, what the fuck. Anyway, he has a sordid past. He says that he has changed. He promises me that he will never hurt me. He tells me he loves me every day and so far has been a great boyfriend. But I just cant seem to trust him deep down. He is a lifeguard, and I cant stop picturing in my mind the photos he emailed to friends of girls at the beach, every time he leaves for work. I am to the point where I have become a miserable, jealous bitch. I feel almost bipolar because the littlest thing will trigger my memory and I will feel hurt and let down and get sad. I was alone for a long time before him. I thought I had found the one. Now I am not so sure. I am trying to forget it and give him a chance, but I am afraid of investing my time and love into a guy that doesnt deserve it. Can people really change? Should I take a leap of faith here? Or should I get the fuck outta here? Or am I being a complete psycho? Sorry if my writing is confusing, but you should be inside my brain right now. I would really appreciate some advice. Thank you.
Is it ethical to encourage someone to cheat?
Is it ethically sound to encourage a friend to cheat on her abusive partner as an excuse to leave the relationship? My friend is in a bad relationship, in which her partner is verbally abusive toward her and has been physically abusive once, as well. She has been in this relationship for several years and it is at the point where their lives are intertwined enough that it would be a bit of a mess for her to leave. I think that this is what is stopping her from leaving. She left her previous (awful sounding, lengthy) relationship by getting together with this guy, and it seemed as though she used that as an excuse to exit the relationship. My personal feelings are that this isn't really the best course of action, but perhaps the ends justified the means. Right now, I know someone to whom she is attracted. Would it be ethical for me to encourage her to romantically involve herself with him? What are the ethical/moral implications of doing so?
Cheated in a relationship, what to do next?
Looking for a way to deal with the bad feelings, both within me and coming from the ex, after a relationship ended. Problem: I am a massive tool and it was all my fault for cheating on her. How do I say sorry? My 18 month relationship has completely gone up in smoke and I am trying to work out what to do now. While on a trip away, I got involved with someone else sexually. It lasted a few days, essentially a mini affair. I came clean a few weeks after coming back, also admitting that earlier in our relationship I had kissed someone. The ex, understandably, thinks I am an enormous shit. I have cheated on her, and it was a terrible thing to do. We?re apart now, and although neither of us wants to get back with the other, I do want to do something about the following: a) How awful I feel. What do I say to myself to work through the guilt and become a better person? b) Although any efforts now will be very little, way too late, I want to know whether anyone in a similar situation has ever been able to rebuild bridges or at least say sorry in a way that the wronged person will listen to. I ran into her recently and when I tried to say sorry she wouldn?t accept it. It?s like she has swept up our whole history and thrown it into the box marked ?crap?. But then, why shouldn?t she? Wasn?t I doing something similar when I chose to sleep with someone else? She handled herself with such terrifying confidence, claiming not to be hurt in any way, batting away everything I said. She doesn?t want to hear any explanations. It?s like she has resolved that I am nothing but a bad person and the relationship was a big lie. The conundrum is that I thought there were a lot of good things in our relationship. And yet I slept with someone else. Why? I am trying to understand but am getting nowhere. She seems to believe our relationship was nothing all along and that's why I found it so easy to do. I wish I could offer an alternative explanation that reconciles how I could genuinely care about her and still do something like this ? explanations, not excuses (that old chestnut...) . Is that possible, or am I just fooling myself? I don?t have an explanation yet, and even if I did I don?t think she wants to hear it. But is there anything I can do to help me understand? I have gone back over what I have written and I think it sounds a bit self pitying. I know what I did and am not trying to escape the guilt. But I can?t stop thinking about what I did to her and I would be really grateful to read any constructive insight into what the cheating shitbag can or should do next. Throwaway is creature101@hotmail.co.uk. Thanks.
I Screwed Up My Marriage
Help. I screwed up my marriage. I "emotionally" cheated on my wife with an ex-girlfriend and now I'm afraid the damage is done. I'm looking for any help or suggestions. We've been married about 2.5 years. Prior to this, and going back about 10 years my best friend and I had a fling. When I met my wife, she immediately disliked my friend and my friend disliked her. Eventually my friend and I had a falling out and we saw less and less of one another. The sex ruined our friendship and there wasn't anything that really could be salvaged of our friendship at the time. Some time passed and my girlfriend and I became engaged. It was around this time that I started bumping into my former friend. She and I would meet up for a drink from time to time and unfortunately there was at least 1 but no more than 2 occasions where we crossed the friends line again (while I was engaged.) It was a horrible thing to do and I swore to myself never to do it again. I never told my wife-to-be about it. My friend and I continued to see each other from time to time meeting up for a drink or just to catch up.... never anything sexual from that point on. She began seeing people and things were ok except for the fact that I was lying to my wife to be (who by this time became my wife) about seeing my friend. This continued throughout our marriage.... about once every 3-4 months, my friend and I would meet up at a concert or for lunch--- it was purely platonic as by this point there were no feelings beyond that on both ends. However, I still continued to lie to my wife and tell her that I hadn't seen or spoken to her in ages. The other day she opened my email (i left it on the screen by accident) and read through 10 years of email archives using her name as a search phrase. She now thinks that I have been sleeping with my friend this entire time (which isn't the case) and that I have been lying about seeing her (which is the case). We have a 3 month old baby. She doesn't think we have a future together and has been googling "divorce" laws in our state. She has told her mother about this and that has probably soured that relationship (which until this point was as best as an in-law relationship could be). Now... I feel absolutely horrible about the entire thing --- yes I cheated on her early on and continued to emotionally cheat and lie..... throughout my relationship with my wife.... However, I absolutely love love love my wife and would do absolutely anything for her and my baby. I feel horrible and can't eat or sleep and am absolutely miserable. I have severed all ties with my friend for good. My wife doesn't want me in the house. I have no where to go. I'm embarrassed to talk to anyone about this as every single person I know (even my parents) would probably take her side. I am alone and really sad and pathetic right now. I don't know what to do. I'm open to all advice and suggestions. I want to salvage my relationship with my wife.... help.
My sister's boyfriend was holding hands with someone else, what now?
Ran into my sister's boyfriend holding hands with another woman. She's trying to figure out what to do now. Advice on setting new limits and ground rules? My sister has been dating this guy for the past three years. He's nice, we all like him a lot. She's been sort of unlucky in love historically, dated some weird losers [by her own admission] and been cheated on in the past. We've got weird parents [one drunk, one enabling narcissist, divorced for 30 years] so aren't real great on determining what normal is. She's been in the process of making plans to buy a house with this guy, got a pre-approved mortgage, been looking at places, all the rest. They've been talking about having kids. I ran into him quite by accident on the street this past weekend walking down the street with another woman, holding hands with her. He dropped her hand as soon as he saw me and there was some flustered "Oh HI, I didn't know you were in town!" talk. He introduced me to the woman and then we went our separate ways. I called my sister the next day to tell her. In the intervening time, he sort of came clean with my sister, at least saying that he was out with this other woman, but not real forthcoming on details until she was like "I heard you two were holding hands" which opened the floodgates of apology and "You're the only one I want to be with" talk. Apparently the woman is a friend (my sister knows who she is but hasn't met her), going through a bad divorce, they're not sleeping together, etc. My sister would like to work this out with him if possible. So, now the trust rebuilding starts. They're both in their thirties, she's a bit older than he is. She's described him as a bit of a Martian about social norms and a little protective of his private life. He's got a very small social circle and doesn't regularly hang out with anyone but her and his weekend baseball team. She's always been pretty hands off about his personal life; they hang out a few times a week, live a few towns apart, usually but not always spend weekends together. It works for both of them and it's been a happy relationship. Now, however, my sister is concerned. She'd like to have a talk where they set some new ground rules where they can rebuild some of the trust she feels has been wrecked. Some of her friends have said "make him give you his phone/email passwords" and she thinks that's a bit over the top, but she's unclear on where the line between good boundaries and controlling is, and how much privacy is normal and how much is squirrely. In the past he's gotten phone calls he doesn't pick up when she's there, and has a screen saver password on his home PC both of which seem normal and yet troubling if she feels he's hiding something. They do not want an open relationship, please don't go there. She thinks he's unlikely to come up with ideas on his own, and wants to have some to suggest. She doesn't want to be a "spend every night together" couple and would like to maintain their individual lives but not feel that she has to worry when they're not together. They've had the "Just so we're on the same page, this is what is okay/not okay in our relationship" discussion, but it's unclear just how much of this is her responsibility to outline every "this is not okay" case. So, the general question here is: what would you suggest would be good steps towards working this out: counseling? some sort of checking-in routine? open-book email/chat access? Have you or your friends dealt with this? What worked for you? My suggestion was to take the house-buying off the table for now while they work this out, but I'm not a good arbiter of normal relationship behavior generally so I said I'd ask here.
BASCBLES
Is there any way to tell if your facebook scrabble opponent is cheating (using an online scrabble solver)? Is there any way to call them out? My wife is playing a friend of ours and doesn't like the way his skill level has risen lately. She also doesn't like losing.
Am I guilty of cheating?
I have received and studied a year-old key to a test that I am taking tomorrow, am I guilty of cheating? A few weeks ago a friend, who is in the same class as I am, approached me with a key to a test over the same material I am being tested on from last year. I have used it as a study guide, and have not memorized any of the answers (nor plan to). It has been beneficial in me learning what I am doing right and wrong in regards to the problems that will probably appear in the test. Unfortunately, I do not know if this is an authorized copy of the key. I assumed that this one was made available for use in studying for the final, and that the questions on the next year's test would be different. (this class has many repeat students, as it is rather challenging) The other assumption is that someone copied the test without the professor's knowledge, which would make this unauthorized and I'm worried this would constitute cheating and I have already damned myself by studying off of it. Is such a thing considered cheating? The wikipedia entry states that "If the student in the earlier time period informs the other student in the later period about the test; that is considered academic dishonesty" and I'm worried this is a form of that kind of information. I have not taken the test (which is tomorrow) but have used the key to study for it. If use of the key is considered academic dishonesty what do I do? I realize I should have brought it to the attention of the professor first, but I'm worried if I do so now I'm already considered guilty. Am I guilty of cheating?
Rape or cheating?
My girlfriend confided in my yesterday that she cheated on me with an exboyfriend almost exactly a year ago and kept it secret from me. This explains a lot of her overemotional behaviour and the tumult in our relationship over the past while, I think. But when she elaborated on the circumstances what happened sounded more like rape than anything. A year ago the two of us had been living together in a foreign country. I moved home to take a good job. She lived alone in that foreign country for two months before moving back home (still several hours' trip from where I was living and working then.) When she got home, she learned that her mother had been diagnosed with a terminal illness while she was gone. She went out for a night with some friends and got shitface wasted. She has an inclination to drink too much and act irresponsibly and generally not herself when she gets drunk. She often can't stop when she's had too much.She followed a friend to another house because her friend wanted to see a boy who lived there. Apparently this was also the home of my girlfriend's ex-boyfriend, something she either wasn't privy to, or forgot because she was drunk. Once there, she and her female friend spent the night talking and drinking with this guy, unloading her loneliness and emotion regarding her mom's condition. Her female friend passed out. My girlfriend at some point went to bed on a couch, and remembers this guy coming over to her. He had sex with her. She says she hated it, hated that it was happening but didn't say no or physically resist it. I'm angry she took so long to tell me, and I'm angry she let herself be put in that position in the first place. As I said, she has a problem with drinking. She doesn't get drunk too often but she cannot handle her liquor, and she knows that when she starts to get drunk, she's out of control. She could have avoided the situation and shouldn't have wound up in the home of her ex-boyfriend to begin with. But this sounds like rape, and more than anything I'm angry with this predaceous stranger. She feels very guilty about it, but I think she doesn't understand that she'd been raped, or she's been repressing it. Friends she spoke to recommended hiding the story from me and just getting over it. I think those friends were at the least very unhelpful. I love her, and I think I can forgive her fully. I'm not exactly sure what I mean to ask here. How do I help her? How do I overcome my anger to help her overcome the realization that she's been victimized? This is rape, isn't it? We're in Ontario. Should she press charges? Could she? Would it be worth it? Am I an asshole for thinking I'm going to have a hard time trusting her to go out on her own in the future? Ugh. I hope I've worded this coherently. I'm out of sorts on this. Thanks for your responses. If you have any questions about the situation I could answer them through one of the admins.
How do you deal with sexual urges outside of your relationship?
How do you deal with sexual urges outside of your relationship? I don't want to be with anyone else romantically besides my partner but I find myself thinking about how much I want to have sex with other individuals, sometimes often. I'm deeply afraid one day I will act on these urges and ruin my relationship. My partner has indicated being supportive of me having relations with these individuals but I'm not sure how it would play out once we got past the talking stage of this or how serious my partner was being. I think if we did open the relationship in this way, even if my partner was supportive I might feel guilty about it. So, a few questions. Being that I've never actually been in a situation to test whether I would cheat or not, how can I know if I would given the opportunity? I do not want to hurt my partner, cheating would hurt my partner, therefore I don't want to do it but, since I have never been in a situation to test my resolve I'm not sure if I would have enough self-control not to if an opportunity presented itself. Have you ever felt this way then were confronted with an opportunity and could easily not cheat? I don't want to cheat but I'm afraid my urges will be too strong and take over my rational mind and I will do something I will terribly regret. How do I deal with these urges to have relations with others? It's purely about sex. The people I find myself wanting to have sex with are not anyone who I would ever date. If you've had urges like this and a supportive partner and carried out your urges, how did it affect your relationship? If I did anything with these people this would be the avenue I would want to take. (Just to be clear I am very attracted to my partner and the sex is great. I just feel urges to have sex with other people.) Thanks.
talk me down
Scenes from a marriage. I snooped; his behavior was borderline. What now? My husband and I have been married for 7 years, together for 14. We are in our mid 30?s. No kids (yet). We do own a house together. About 3 weeks ago I snooped in his Gmail. He has had the same password forever and we have always shared our passwords with each other. I don?t know why I snooped. It wasn?t the first time I?ve done it. But I can?t say I had a conscious feeling or suspicion. I almost feel like I did it on autopilot or out of boredom. In any case, I found flirtatious gchats he had been having with a former coworker. Nothing blatantly cheating, but flirtatious enough that I felt it was a betrayal. Calling her ?honey? and ?babe? and remarking on how cute and hot she was. They were discussing her failing marriage?she was telling my husband that she couldn?t see herself staying faithful to her husband. I don?t feel it was appropriate for him to be this kind of exchange. I don?t suspect my husband of any current physical infidelity. The woman in question lives across the country. Though it does make me think back to when they worked together and I have a strong gut feeling that they may have kissed or something like that, though I have absolutely no proof and this could very well be simple paranoia. In any case: he was flirting, and has obviously been nursing a crush on her for quite some time. More details: they worked together 3-4 years ago, then she moved to another city (still working for the same company). She no longer works for this company. I have met her several times and could tell there was a spark between them. It bothered me, but I never thought that I actually had anything to worry about. He has always told me that he doesn?t like/respect her, which I now realize was an overcompensating cover-up for the attraction. Apparently they have been intermittently keeping in touch over gchat. I had no idea they still kept in contact. Here?s what bothers me. It?s not that he had/has a crush on someone else. I?ve had them too; we?re human. In fact, I just came out of a pretty intense attraction to a coworker of my own?he?s since quit my company and I haven?t made any attempt to contact him, nor do I want to. The problem with my husband?s behavior is that it was secretive (he has told me he disliked this woman), it was overtly flirtatious (I might have crushes on people, but I would never take it to that level), it was specific (not a random woman at a bar or party, but someone in particular that he sought out). So that?s that. But I snooped! Enter my own guilt. After I saw the chat I compulsively checked his email every day. I am not proud of this. I read all the AskMe archives having to do with snooping/cheating. It was somewhat eye-opening to realize that people considered snooping such a serious offense. I personally would not care if he read my email or facebook?I leave them logged in and open on my laptop all the time. But I do understand that many people feel that it?s a terrible betrayal. And then what happened was: after a week or so of checking his email compulsively, I went to log in one time and he had changed his password. I immediately felt dread and certainty that he was onto me. I now realize that Gmail has new security features that show the user the IP addresses of previous/current activity. My husband is not technologically-minded at all and I would be surprised if he realizes this?I only found out after googling for more info when it happened. But regardless I feel deep down that he knows. We had a strange interaction over gchat ourselves later that day where he told me he thought I was acting odd. He never mentioned the password change to me. Man, I have just been going insane with this whole thing. Going around and around in mental circles. Does he know I was spying? If so, is he testing me? Waiting for me to confess? Or was it simply chance that he changed his password? Or was it to hide further exchanges with the woman/friend? Etc, etc. At the moment I thought I was caught spying, it was almost a relief, though. Because I would get to confront him about his own behavior, and it would all come out in the open. I really thought he was going to confront me but he didn?t. So then I doubted whether he really knew, or if this was a telltale heart situation. I kept my mouth shut, life went on as usual, and that?s where I?m at today. I?m struggling with whether or not I should confess/confront him. It?s terrifying to think that this could have big bad consequences. I?m just going crazy. I forgive him for his flirting?though it would be nice to tell him how I feel about it and get satisfaction that it would never or has never gone further., rather than letting my imagination run away with me. But what if he?s appalled at my own spying? Is this a case where I should just shut up and move on, or does it need to come to light in order for us to have a strong relationship? It?s weird?ever since I found the flirt-chats I?ve been more attentive/romantic with my husband. Our sex life is great. I feel us growing closer again?the ebbs and flows of a long-term relationship. There?s so much more but I realize this is too long already. I mentioned I had just gotten over my own workplace crush. Looking back, although nothing untoward ever happened, not even flirting, I realize that my crush was a delicious distraction/fantasy that made it easy for me to ignore my marriage. I am just terrified to realize how fragile a relationship can really be, even when you?ve been with someone for years and the love is there. I finally get it that relationships take work, and I am committed to this one big time. So what do you think? Should I get all this out in the open? Or have I dodged a bullet and should leave it be? Re-reading this question makes me worried that it sounds disorganized and detached. Please believe this is very important to me. I want nothing more than for us to live happily ever after.
Should I feel like I need to snoop?
My boyfriend and I broke up for a week. The entire time, he insisted he was in love with me and felt like I was the one. He was convinced we could work it out but I needed some space away from him to clear my mind and make a decision. Now, we've decided to work things out but I've come across evidence that he's using online dating websites. Do I call him out on this or what? Ok, my boyfriend is Bipolar type I, has OCD, ADHD, and suffers from paranoia (possibly paranoid schitzophrenia but never been diagnosed for that). We met online about 8 months ago. Our relationship started out well but we had some issues. His clinginess went from a cute novelty to a serious annoyance. We've had some serious fights (3 main ones). I'm talking screaming, cursing and all of that. In the first he tried to physically restrain me. He would go back and forth between I love yous and cursing me out. The second fight, he slapped me (not anything crazy like wife-beaters do but a slap just the same). I punched him in his face and dumped him 2 hours later after finally convincing him that no amount of apologizing would make me listen to him in that moment. The third fight, he ended up spitting on me and slapping me again (nothing aiming to painful just aiming to be an a**hole). I broke up with him and went about my business for a week. Since then, he's worked on himself a lot. He's trying to get himself back in college. He's cooperating with his doctors. He's back on medication for his mental issues (which as far as I've heard and seen) appears to be working but it's really too soon to tell for sure). He's getting things right with God (I am a Christian so this is very important to me). Now, within the last few days, I've seen evidence that he's logged onto dating sites and either created new profiles or activated old ones. I had no reason to think he was doing it before and I don't feel like he was. I wouldn't even have had this idea in my mind if I hadn't seen him on his computer. He'd asked to meet for lunch (first time we'd seen each other since the break up). We ended up going to his house (it was like picking up where we left off). I worked on some homework on my laptop while he was on his computer. I look up and watch him go through at least 10 sites. It's almost like he was doing it on purpose because he kept turning around and looking at me (I'd look back at my computer every time he'd turn around). Two days ago, he called me (this was after we'd officially gotten back together). I was asleep and missed the call. He left a message and 10:43 pm. I check one of his profiles online and the time stamp is for 10:48 pm, same night. So it's like, leave me a message of "I love you, I miss you, talk to you tomorrow, goodnight" and then turn around and log onto a dating site. I decided yesterday morning to confront him about this. I told him I'd had a conversation with a friend who suggested to me he was doing something inappropriate and that if I found out that it was true, I'd toss him to the curb in a heartbeat. He went through a long list of things he thought I could have been told since I refused (and still do) to tell him outright what this friend told me. He admitted he'd gone back to online dating websites when he felt he no longer had a chance with me. He swore up and down he wouldn't do anything to cheat on me or hurt me etc. We saw each other an hour later (he wanted to make sure things were ok). That afternoon, he changed his status to "in a relationship" on all the sites. I feel like I now need to check on this periodically. He's not the kind of guy to be looking at porn or having freaky conversations online with strange women. He's very commitment-oriented to the point of obsession. I just don't like feeling like he's looking around. Is this something I should be worried about?
Anxiety? or my gut instinct?
Trust my instincts? or just relationship anxiety? I have been dating this guy for 4 months. He is my first boyfriend, first of mostly everything. There are several problems. Background: We were acquaintances for 5 months before we started dating. I knew he had a crush on me because he told one of our mutual friends. We were innocently flirting through out this time since I was casually dating someone else and wasn't really sure if he actually liked me. We finally made out in one drunken night and started dating after that (He did something, wanted to make it up so went to watch a movie). 1. Two months into dating he said he loved me. This was only after asking him about why he has been distant. He explained that he's pulling back because he rarely gets into serious relationships and he has fallen in love with me. I don't trust people easily and I was doubtful when he said this. I wasn't sure if I believed him but at the point I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Three weeks later, I said I loved him too. Looking back I'm not really sure if I meant it (I said it when I was drunk . . .) 2. Recently our communication has decreased. We usually text each other a lot through out the day. He says he is with his friends and hanging out with them. He rarely calls (he's not a big fan of phones). I feel like he's hiding something from me when he's with his friends. He says he misses me and cares about me. Whenever we're apart (he lives an hour away), I feel like he doesn't care as much as he says (he says he means it). I don't have this anxiety when I'm with him. 3. I trust him, but a part of me says I shouldn't. He always comforts me whenever I start to question our relationship, saying he cares about me, that I make him happy, he loves me. Our mutual friend, whom he confides to, says that he's practically head over heels for me. The thing is, I want to believe my boyfriend but I'm not really sure if I should. Another thing is, this was supposed to be a short-term relationship. He's going to move to a different city in July. However, he thinks we can make it work. I'm not sure since this is my first relationship and I have nothing to compare this to. Should I trust my instinct that he's no longer interested in me or maybe cheating on me? Am I just looking for an excuse to get out? Am I just a commitment phobe? Please give me some perspective.
How do I help my friend in a terrible breakup?
So, there was a hidden love-triangle in my academic department. It all came to light last Monday, and things have been pretty awful since then, due in part to the stupidity of one participant and the deception of another. What on earth do I do? My best friend has been dating a gal in our academic department since December. Because we're all in the same classes and share offices, she asked him to keep the relationship generally a secret to minimize 'drama'. This past Monday, it came out, through a very long and tortuous process, that she has in fact been secretly dating another guy in the department since September. Needless to say, friend broke up, notified the other guy, and proceeded to sulk. I know how to be a good friend as far as spending time with him and giving him opportunity to vent, but I don't know what to do in order to guarantee justice wins out. Because while my friend is trying to make sense of the past three years, the cheating girlfriend is spreading malicious lies throughout the department about how he's a crazy person who has been stalking her, and anything he says about them dating is outright falsehood brought on by desperation. While my friend is at home moping, she's going out and partying with department-mates like nothing ever happened. This just seems wrong. To complicate things, when my friend attempted to send her an email asking for explanation or apology, she replied with a boilerplate letter warning him of legal action if this "harassment" continues. So he feels that not only can he not talk to his ex and get closure (and his stuff back), but also that he can't clear his good name, all for fear of her going to the police or lawyering up. In this frustrating situation what can I do? We're a midsized academic department, supposedly full of reflective people. I've thought about cornering her early next week and asking for "her side of the story," which I know will be directly contrary to what my friend has told me, and more pressingly, what I've seen of their relationship myself. I've considered maybe sacrificing myself and sending a note to the department email listserv, which would surely get me in trouble. Of course she'd probably respond by working me into her victim-narrative and then calling the cops. I figure this one really isn't winnable: my friend has feelings, and she does not. She's an attractive and bubbly woman who people apparently like without pause. My friend, on the other hand, is kind of awkward but definitely good-hearted, well-meaning, and hurting so terribly. So, hivemind, what ought I do? I'll be around for clarification, if needed, but I just want to protect my friend's reputation while ensuring she gets what she deserves. (And yes, I know he shouldn't date in the department, and secret relationships are the devil's own.) And for what it's worth, the other guy, with whom I'm not friendly, is believing every word the cheater is saying. Of course she didn't cheat, or if she did, it was during a bipolar 'manic' swing, and she just doesn't remember and can't be blamed. Mercy.
Bachelor party lap dance
My guy is going to a bachelor's party. Help me stop feeling unhappy about it? Our friends are getting married, and a bachelor's party has been arranged by the best man. The only details I know are that it will involve a strip club and drinking, which I imagine are pretty normal bachelor party activities. Typically, neither strip clubs nor drinking are my guy's thing, but I definitely got the vibe when he brought it up that he'd like to go as he views this entire wedding experience as an important event (first wedding for his circle of friends). I don't mind my guy watching porn or going to a strip club or a burlesque show and watching nudity on stage. After considering it a bit, I'm also okay with him tipping a dancer on stage and getting the extra "attention" for his money. I am really not feeling okay about him getting a lap dance, though. I'd like to think I'm open-minded about these things, but I'm having a hard time viewing a dancer grinding all over him as anything but almost-cheating. I'm not really sure how to get myself over the issue. Since it's not actual cheating, I don't feel like I'm in a position to tell him he "can't" go or get a lap dance, and even just saying it would make me unhappy feels a little bit manipulative. What can I do for myself so I can stop thinking about this? Or come to terms with it? Am I out of line in my thinking? And since I realize I didn't mention before, I'm female, we're in our mid-20s, and it's a monogamous, long-term relationship. Anon because I'd rather this little piece of neuroticism not be tied to my real identity.
love hurts/crazy in love
lies! love! cheating! how to overcome & move on? how do you get over being cheated on and lied-to-your-face (a one-off + a bunch of lies, but still), finding out a year or more after the fact? i'm not interested in DTMFA tales, because this person really is not a MF. they're great, amazing, i love them, and i genuinely believe it was a mistake. this doesn't mean it's not killing me on other levels. i have a lot of sympathy for them, and am glad they came clean. how do you trust again? stop feeling like an idiot? (this is mostly my problem right now: like, i feel like such a total loser to have been so trusting.) i'm not even angry, just... devastated. how to move on and feel ok about yourself, about your SO? am i overreacting? what could the person who was unfaithful do to help their partner get back to good? all other questions seem to be more should-i-stay-or-go, but what i really want are some success stories i guess, things that worked for you, whether you were either on either side of this situation, that is, you were (1) trying to forgive, or (2) trying to get your partner to feel good with you again, if you cheated. sorry if there are threads very similar, my searching skills are poor and i'm not in the most astute mindframe at present. throwaway: forgiveforgiveyeah@gmail.com
Friend's cheating...what to do?
How can I support my friend when I (and she) know what she's doing is wrong? One of my oldest and best friends from my hometown has been going out with her boyfriend for 8 years - since the end of high school. In that time, they've had their share of arguments and indiscretions (as in any relationship) but now they've moved into a condo together and things seem well. Except. That my friend has been cheating on her boyfriend for almost 2 years with a co-worker (who has, in that time, gotten married himself). I don't get to see her very often but when I do, all we discuss is how she regrets getting "talked into" cheating with her co-worker. The thing is, she's otherwise very dedicated to her boyfriend (who does not seem to suspect a thing) and outwardly expresses a lot of sadness over what she's done. She talks about their future with a lot of hope and makes it sound like next time, she will ignore The Other Guy's advances. But then I go home again after a month or two and learn things are just the same! How can I be a supportive friend? I don't think cheating on her boyfriend is good AT ALL, especially since they now share a home. I've made my opinion of this and The Other Guy pretty clear. But I feel like a broken record when I talk to her ("END IT with The Other Guy and/or end it with your boyfriend. And especially end it with The Other Guy because he's married!"). I don't know what to tell her anymore - I feel like all I'm doing now is scolding (and it's certainly not getting me or her anywhere) and I hate to keep doing that every time I see her. I don't want her to continue feeling this terrible but she seems unable or somehow unwilling to fix her situation. What would you do?
My mom Is Cheating On My Dad
How Am I Supposed To Feel About My Mom Cheating On My Dad? And Draining Family Money? (desperate for any help or advice) My mom is cheating on my dad. She's been "with" the guy (who just happens to be a good family friend she used to work for before she was laid off who is married with children) for a year and a half, but just found out tonight and in one of the worst ways. For a few months, I could feel tension between my parents so heavy I prefer to just not be at home. My 3 siblings are in their twenties so its just me and my parents at home. They're always fighting about something. Anyway, I recently have been seeing papers lying around the house about infidelity in marriage, and cheating (not too smart, mom!) but i didn't know which of my parents were having an affair. My boyfriend had advised me not to worry about it, he's the only one i told, and i took his advice. However, today, I was using my mom's phone to text someone because mine died and in her inbox were messages from a friend saying something like, "Try to cut off contact with him. You have your family at stake." I'm not generally nosy at all, but i had to know what was going on, because nobody had told me sh**, so i looked at my mom's email. I didn't know what to expect really but i had to know. Thing is, I don't know how to forgive what i saw. There were about 10 messages back and forth between her and a man who went by the name of Peter, which i figured out is a cover up. Also, the subject is "sales estimates" for all of the messages. They were long messages full of romance and lust, which maddened me and made me sick to my stomach. It also mentioned them staying at hotels together (my mom "travels with friends" alot), traveling together, dreams of "escaping". She also told him that she had saved up money for months of hotel stays with him. I mentioned above that my mom lost her job, about a year ago. My dad is working his a** off for us, working late nights because we cant make all the ends meet. I have to use my savings money for some necessities because we cant afford alot, and i cant get a job. But i figured out where all of the money is going... She's wasting it away on her affair. They mentioned me, saying if they ran off together i would come too, because i need to be with my mother. And she said she had discussed divorce with me, and the possibilty of separation, but she actually never mentioned anything to me at all. She tells him she loves her family, but she cannot decide if she wants to go with him or us. She says she is miserable without him, but even I know that the "love" they share is simply lust heightened by the fact that they "cant have each other" and they only see each other when they want to. My poor dad is a great guy who married my mom when she had to flee from her first husband with 3 kids. He adopted and raised my siblings as his own. Maybe they werent meant to be together, but she could at least respect him enough for what hes done for our family. The reason i am miserable is because i dont know how to feel about this. I understand divorce, it happens. But adultery is unacceptable. And draining family money, hypocrisy and lies are just unforgivable. I dont know whether to speak up to her, or keep it to myself. Either way, i cant look at her the same again. I will always respect her as a mother but never again as a person. Please, can anybody give me advice on how to get through this?